December, 85 and Sunny

(We’re gonna go backwards here for a moment and do a Christmas post before the Thanksgiving post. Deal with it.)

I’m sitting in an airport cafe at 10:30 in the morning on a rainy Tuesday. This fucking hell hole of a city shuts down when it starts to rain and it’s unbelievable how unequipped the entire city of Los Angeles is for something as simple as rain. People, businesses, drivers, everyone acts as if the world is ending. It’s pathetic to say the least. Grow a pair, it’s fucking water. My flight is delayed by an hour and a half and that’s why I’m sitting here with the time (for the first in a while) to write a new blog post.

On the way to LAX Jonny and I were listening to NPR on the radio as they talked about how tens of thousands of people are without power, the fear of mudslides (that’s legit, can’t pin that one on LA), and there were four kids, 18-20, who got stranded cause they went hiking, and the rain made the river flood so they couldn’t return to their car (fucking asshats, why would you go hiking in a rainstorm?). They are now in the process of being rescued and airlifted to medical attention etc.

Further proof of LA’s pathetic incapability to handle simple weather, I helped Jonny move stuff out of Art Center after his graduation show, and the school is fucking leaking everywhere. There’s more water indoors at that school than there is in an indoor diving center. It’s pretty ridiculous. The anorexic girl in the hallway probably drowned.

Enough of my griping about the weather situation, let’s move on to what is another problem with this city is: the complete lack of any real semblance of Christmas. Last year I realized that I really do like Christmas as a holiday. Of course, I suppose that was situational, but still, I do like it. Normally I am relatively indifferent about the holiday season (as I am with most things, probably a function of being fairly cynical. Jerome recently told me I’m like the bitter 90 year old New Englander who moved to LA) but this year I was actually looking forward to Christmas only to be met with…85 degree heat and clear skies in the middle of December before this (apparently debilitating) rain started in LA.

The weather alone is one factor that has made these weeks leading up to Christmas feel like I’m living in a country that doesn’t celebrate it. That’s not to say you don’t see your fair share of wreaths, and Christmas decorations (especially up in Pasadena where people tend to overdo it). Sunny, warm to hot, or relatively warm and rainy…does not constitute Christmas by any means. You need biting cold, snow, and the inability to want to venture outside for even the simplest of things. Then you know it’s Christmas.

Downtown LA however, does its best with a few different measures to try to make it feel like it is Christmas in the godforsaken cesspool that is LA. Over by 7^th and fig where Gold’s is they put out these:

Those are balls.

All I will say, is look at the size of those balls, and imagine the size of the man. (Thank you Señor Escallon for the joke that has now lasted over a decade.)

Not only are there giant Christmas ornaments chilling around DTLA, there’s also two outdoor ice skating rinks. I saw the one down at LA live where it does actually feel like Christmas (in the slightest way possible). The LA Live area during the holiday season is impressive to say the least. More after the pictures.

The Ice Rink at LA Live courtesy of the LA Kings

The rink and tree...pretty dope.

The rink is impressive. Not only that, the novelty of being able to ice skate outdoors in a t-shirt and shorts is awesome. I didn’t go for it, I haven’t been ice skating since I was probably nine or ten, and I was meeting Adam and Rayna before they hit up the Clippers-Magic game (they got a sweet deal, 60 dollars for great seats plus free jerseys). Still, LA Live did it right. The skating rink, lots of decorations, the giant light Christmas tree, and tons of small Santa village style stuff floating around the main area of LA Live.

While that was probably Los Angeles’ best attempt at Christmas spirit, I can’t deny two opposing aspects. One, it’s kind of awesome having great weather in December. It makes walking around enjoyable (read I sat and sunned myself, something I never do, in the middle of December, simply because I could), and being the New Englander that I am I can make fun of people wearing winter coats out here when it’s 52 degrees. On the other side, it definitely doesn’t feel like the holiday season without the cold, the snow, and the general theme of the holidays prevalent because of the lack of weather, seasons etc. that’s needed to make it feel like winter.

What blows my mind is how do people believe in Santa Claus out here? (Sans my cousins who I ruined that one for; a story for another time.) I mean, you look at everything that’s shown on television about Christmas…it’s all snow, Santa wearing a big winter suit, a sleigh, reindeer, THE NORTH POLE…I mean none of that shit exists in LA unless you’re one of the crack heads roaming DTLA tripping on ketamine. Aside from media brainwashing over this holiday, how do California kids not grow up thinking that Santa Claus is a surfer who regularly uses the words “bro” and “hella”, wears board shorts, sunglasses all the time, and probably surfs from rooftop to rooftop? Thanks LA, I think you contribute to the huge notion (that is fairly true) that SoCal melts people’s brains with sunshine. If I ever lose my edge (mentally, and physically, cause we all know I’m world’s strongest man) tell me.

Anyways, as I sit here, feeling warmth that isn’t real, looking at fake pine wreaths and decorations all around me at an LAX terminal, I can’t help but think that I’m headed back to a place where I once took for granted. The grass is always greener somewhere else I suppose, and I’m not saying I’ve given up on life in California, just LA seemingly has proven itself time and time again to fall short in more ways than one, and just once, I wish LA could do something on a level that is respectable, appreciative, and right.

Of course, I’m a bitter, 90 year old curmudgeon New Englander, and probably too much of Boston homer to ever acknowledge or credit LA if it did ever manage to get it right. That being said, I’m not wrong

• Scarface – My Block